We don’t walk on chandeliers
We don’t walk on chandeliers.
I never expected to have to say those words, but it’s become a common phrase in my house.
Shadow, one of the two gray tuxedo kittens I adopted a year-and-a-half ago, hears these words often. Normally, he’s pretty low key, content to bat around his favorite toy (a black fuzzy tube), snuggle with his brother, or chase after treats. However, and much to my dismay, he realized that he is capable of jumping up onto the dining table, then the chandelier above it, and can promenade with pride from his perch.
He’s learning…I’ve scolded him enough that he doesn’t do it in front of me much anymore (being squirted by water can be quite the deterrent), but periodically I hear and feel the shake of the chandelier when I’m in my office, directly above the dining room. And I come downstairs to remind him…
In this house, we don’t walk on chandeliers.
If you have young children or pets in your life, you’re well familiar with the value of boundaries, especially things “we don’t do.” It’s part of raising healthy adults (human or feline).
We all need boundaries. They help keep us safe, they help us focus, they help us prioritize.
Recently, I was working with a client who was feeling like they would be forced to accept a possible bad opportunity. Even though there was no guarantee that this bad opportunity would actually come their way, they were so concerned by the fear that they would have to take it that it was holding them back from being open to a number of great opportunities that were actually more likely to happen.
As we worked through the session, they slowly came to the realization that they could actually say NO to that bad opportunity, should it actually present itself. As this realization began to sink in, I saw their shoulders relax, their spine lengthen, and a smile creep across their face.
When faced with that bad opportunity, they could say NO. And by saying NO, they would be able to focus on all the other opportunities that fed their soul.
Often, having a NO boundary helps us get to a YES. Saying NO to a late bedtime allows us to say YES to a good night’s sleep. Saying NO to the clients we don’t want to work with or the projects we don’t want to work on gives us space to say YES to those that light us up. Saying NO to the late night ice cream means we can say YES to pants that fit.
And yet, it can be hard for us to set NO boundaries as adults.
Sometimes this is because we feel we don’t have a choice (can we really ruffle the feathers of our new boss by saying no to the late night?) or we’re not quite sure we want to say no (bangs might be a good look on me, right?).
But often it’s because we haven’t taken the time to really think about what we want to say NO to and why. When you’re considering a NO boundary in your life, here’s three kinds you might consider:
Absolute NO
These are the things you know to consistently say NO to. You have your reasons and you may even have a talk track when the topic comes up.
Perhaps you or a loved one has struggled with alcoholism, and you know it’s best for you to say an absolute NO to consuming alcohol yourself. Or you were bitten by doing a deal with just a handshake and now you only deal with signed contracts.
NO, with known exceptions
These are the things you mostly say NO to, but you’ll say yes in certain, known cases. You know your exceptions, and can clearly articulate why it’s ok in certain circumstances.
Perhaps you don’t work past 5 except on Thursdays when your kid has an after-school club, and when you do it’s only for an hour and you take off early on Fridays. Or maybe you don’t skip a morning workout unless you got less than 6 hours of sleep the night before and can actually use the time for some extra shuteye.
NO, for a season
These are the things you’re saying NO to right now, but you’re not ready (or don’t need) to say NO to forever. They make sense for now, but you are open to (or plan to) set different boundaries in the future.
Perhaps you’re saying NO to lunches out until you’ve hit a savings target (unless the boss is buying, of course). Or you’re saying NO to business travel for more than 3 days, at least until your kids have flown the nest.
Holding our boundaries is so important to be healthy, successful adults. Whether it’s an absolute NO, a NO with exceptions, or a NO for a season, being clear about what we’re saying NO to helps support the YES of iterating towards the person we’re becoming.
What NOs will you hold today?
As you think about your boundaries, you probably realize there’s opportunity to explore this further. Want some help? Book your free strategy session and let’s dig in.
How will you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
September 12, 2024
About the author:
Christina Von Stroh is a leadership coach who helps her clients become wildly successful by applying iterative software development practices to achieve their dreams. Want to work with Christina to help you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
Book your free strategy session.
