Have you grieved yet?
“Have you grieved yet?” I asked.
“No, I don’t need to. I want to go. It will be fine.”
My client was leaving his long-time job and sharing his plans for a brief break before he started his new role. His move was a push and a pull - he knew his old role no longer served him and he was excited about the new opportunity he was pursuing. But it was still an ending. I could sense that he was avoiding the hard step of grieving what he left behind, but he wasn’t yet ready to acknowledge it.
The next time we spoke, he brought it up again - this time with the understanding that it was going to take him a while to process what he left behind. Saying goodbye to the role, company, and colleagues wasn’t enough to put the past in the past.
Has this ever happened to you?
Transitions, even under the best of circumstances, are hard.
Whether you’re leaving a job because you have an amazing new opportunity, were laid off in a reduction in force, or just know life is taking you elsewhere, it’s still a loss.
Whether your kids leave the nest because they’re headed off to college, your relationship ends because your partner wants out, or you move to be closer to family, it’s still a loss.
Perhaps it’s a loss of what once was or a loss of what could have been. Maybe it’s a loss of connection, relationships, purpose. Or a loss of who you were, a dream that will never manifest, or a sense of purpose you’ll never fulfill.
All transitions include an end of something. And with that end comes a loss.
Sometimes, we have built in opportunities to acknowledge the transition, like a graduation or a going-away party.
Often, the transitions are harsh, coming unexpectedly like that day in March of 2020 when we all left our communal offices to work from home for “a couple of weeks”, never to return to the same office environment we left. Or when we’re laid off with a form letter, come home to find our spouse gone, or get word that a loved one passed away.
If you find yourself in a period of transition, taking time to grieve what was lost is an important step in looking towards the future. A few things that can help:
Acknowledge what was lost
It’s hard to grieve when you don’t know what you’ve lost. Take time, perhaps over the course of days, weeks, or months, to consider what you’ve lost in this time of transition. Be grateful for what was good, and thankful for the end of what wasn’t.
Perhaps you’re leaving a job. Document what you’ve learned through the experience, what you want to carry with you, and what you want to leave behind so that you can show up well in your next role. Maybe you’re moving to a new state. Spend time reflecting on the person you’ve become because of your experience in your previous city - what will you miss and what will you be glad to see go?
Ritualize it
Participating in a symbolic ritual, either with a group or by yourself, can be a powerful symbol of the transition you’re experiencing. Just like attending a funeral or memorial can make the loss of a loved one feel more finite, so can a ritual, even one created for ourselves, acknowledging other transitions in our lives.
Perhaps your team is being disbanded after the successful completion of a project. Can you create an experience to honor the work of the team and the bonds you’ve created before you disperse to your new assignments? Maybe you’ve just finished a great book. Would taking a few minutes to jot down the key insights you gained about yourself be helpful in preparing you for your next read?
Talk about it
Sharing our loss, especially with someone who understands grief, can be helpful in processing through your transition. Whether it’s a friend, coach, therapist, or spiritual leader, talking about your experience can help.
Maybe you were part of a mass layoff. Can you share experiences with a friend or family who’s had a similar experience and created a successful next chapter? Perhaps you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one. Would working with a coach or therapist help you process the loss?
In many cases, grieving is never over. We find ourselves in situations that bring up the hurt or the pain, remind us of what could have been. Healthy grieving is about acknowledging and living with the grief, even as we move forward in our new chapter. Taking the time to intentionally acknowledge the loss, ritually honor what was lost, and talk about our experiences can help us move forward productively.
What loss in your life are you grieving?
Are you ready to talk with someone who will support you through your transition?
You’re here. You want to be there. I can help.
Let’s talk. Book time, and we’ll figure out how to get you unstuck and get going.
How will you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
February 27, 2025
About the author:
Christina Von Stroh is a leadership coach who helps her clients become wildly successful by applying iterative software development practices to achieve their dreams. Want to work with Christina to help you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
Book your free strategy session.
