Can you turn someone else’s NO into your own YES?
I was laid off by a form letter.
“Following an organizational needs assessment, we have made the difficult decision to eliminate your position and terminate your employment.”
Ouch.
I wasn’t the only one, and I knew it was coming. The company I worked for had just been acquired, and we all had known for a while that big changes were going to happen. There had even been signs as to who would be impacted.
But still, ouch.
My years of service to the organization. All the work I had done in multiple roles. The colleagues I loved working with. The clients I loved serving. None of it mattered. The acquiring company had evaluated their staffing needs and decided they didn’t need me.
They said NO.
Receiving a NO hurts. Even when you understand the why behind it. Even when you know it’s not “personal”. Even when you would make the same decision if the roles were reversed.
Receiving a NO hurts.
So how can you turn someone else’s NO into your own YES?
In a previous post, I shared the power of saying NO so that we can say YES. Owning our ability to say NO, and making a choice to do so, can be empowering, and leads us into the ability to say YES to the things that are most important.
But turning someone else’s NO into our own YES can be a very different proposition.
Receiving a NO hurts because it’s not our choice, it’s someone else's. Losing our agency, our feeling of control, in addition to losing out on whatever comes with that NO, is hard to accept. We feel unempowered, at a disadvantage, perhaps even defective or broken.
In my case, losing my job hurt. It took time, but as I worked through the pain of getting laid off and the grief from losing a job I enjoyed, I was able to find gratitude in the experiences I had and the people I had gotten to know, and was able to look forward and own the next chapter in my professional journey.
When we can find our own YES in the situation, we regain our autonomy. Even if we can’t change our circumstances. Even when things are hard. When we find our own YES, we can make the choices we get to make, own the decisions within our power, and find the strength to step into what is within our own control.
When you’re facing someone else’s NO, here are a few things you can do to turn it into your own YES:
Allow yourself to grieve
Receiving a NO brings varying degrees of loss. A critical step in moving forward is acknowledging that loss, whether it was for something you had or the hope for something in the future, and allowing yourself to grieve. You may find that bringing in support, like a therapist, grief group, or a trusted friend or spiritual practice to be helpful.
Perhaps a prospective client turned down your proposal and you need to grieve the loss of the opportunity and the hoped-for revenue. Or your offer on your dream home doesn’t get accepted and you need to grieve the future you envisioned for yourself and your family.
Find your gratitude
Finding gratitude in your situation can help you shift from what is out of your control to what is within your power. Whether it’s a journaling practice or displaying the things you’re grateful for on sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, finding ways to feel and express your gratitude helps you regain agency in your situation.
Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you’ve worked hard for, but you can be grateful for the clarity it brought you on how you want to leverage your strengths in your career. Or the first date is the only date, but you can be grateful to have not wasted months on a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere.
Make your own choice
We always have some power of choice, even when there are many things around us that are outside of our control. Choosing where and what we can allows us to focus on where we do have agency, helping us feel more empowered in our circumstances.
Perhaps in the face of a forced layoff you can choose to pursue a career transition that will better leverage your unique gifts or intentionally set aside the search for a bit to focus on quality time with your family. Maybe in the time off your feet after an unplanned surgery you can choose to pick up a new hobby.
It can be hard to reclaim our agency in the face of a NO, especially a painful one. But when we can grieve our loss and find gratitude in what we have, we can make the intentional choice to turn someone else’s NO into our own YES.
How will you turn a NO you’re facing into a YES of your choosing?
As you think about the choices you’re making in the face of the NOs you’ve received, you probably realize there’s opportunity to explore this further.
Want some help? I love helping people create the YESes in their lives.
Book your free strategy session and let’s dig in.
How will you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
October 24, 2024
About the author:
Christina Von Stroh is a leadership coach who helps her clients become wildly successful by applying iterative software development practices to achieve their dreams. Want to work with Christina to help you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
Book your free strategy session.
