Could I give you some advice?
It was our second or third run of the day. A group of us were at a local ski resort, enjoying a bluebird day.
My friend was an incredible skier. He used telemark skis (think cross-country skis, where the heel isn’t attached like a typical downhill ski) and his “warm up run” included moguls. This guy was at a whole other level.
“Could I give you some advice?”
At first, I was surprised, and a little offended. Having grown up on skis, I took my ability to safely (and enjoyably) get down the mountain for granted. I didn’t think much about my technique. It just was what it was.
“Um, ok?”
He gently walked me through a different way to shift my weight while turning, which would give me better control and be easier on my knees and hips. I followed his suggestions, and sure enough, the next run felt better and more enjoyable.
Has anyone ever approached you with feedback?
Sometimes feedback is disguised as “advice”, “suggestions”, “notes”. Other times, it comes out sideways with missed expectations, resentment, or anger. Occasionally, it’s direct like in a performance evaluation.
Sometimes feedback is great - an award, promotion, or a shout out in an important meeting or the non-profit newsletter. Sometimes it’s constructive, like from the golf pro we hire or the colleague showing us the ropes in a new job. Sometimes it’s just confusing.
When you’re approached with feedback, solicited or not, welcome or not, there are a few things you can keep in mind:
Feedback tells us a lot about the expectations of others
When someone offers feedback, it’s usually because there’s a mismatch between their expectations and their experience of us. Sometimes where they’re coming from is clear, such as when we hire a personal trainer to help teach us good form when lifting weights. Other times, it reveals expectations we didn’t previously understand (or internalize), like when a colleague points out that we didn’t follow an unknown process. When that feedback comes, it can be helpful to use it as an opportunity to better understand those expectations, and reset where appropriate.
When your manager gives you feedback that you need to be more detail oriented, is that because a data point you missed is critical for him to share with her boss, or because they don’t yet understand your process to incorporate those details into your decision making? When your partner scolds you for being late, is that because you said you’d be home at a certain time or because they didn’t know that you weren’t leaving right after your last meeting?Feedback gives us an opportunity to reflect on how we’re showing up
Feedback is almost always about how someone else is perceiving us and our actions. When we look for clues, we can uncover the way that we’re presenting ourselves and evaluate if that’s consistent with the way we want to be showing up.
Feedback that you don’t speak up enough in meetings may mean that you’re not showing up with a clear point of view. Hearing friends tell us that you’re always the life of the party may mean that they’re not seeing how seriously you take the causes that are most important to you.We get to choose how we address the feedback (if at all)
We don’t always get to choose when we get feedback - but we do get to choose if and how we action it. Sometimes it’s sufficient to just say “thank you for sharing your thoughts” and leave it at that. Other times, we can work to shift expectations or our own behavior, to reduce the mismatch between the two. (check out my previous article on managing the gap between expectations and reality).
Perhaps you don’t take your colleague's feedback on your meeting agenda as a call to change the agenda itself, and instead provide context and background information to set the stage for the conversation. Perhaps you adjust your parenting style with your teenager (based on her clear feedback that she wants independence) to find a balance between giving her space and helping her grow into the adult you know she can be.
Feedback is usually about much more than it seems on the surface - when we use it as an opportunity to learn about other’s expectations and understand how we’re showing up, we can then be intentional about how we internalize the feedback and turn it into action.
What feedback in your life do you need to evaluate?
Dealing with feedback in your own life?
Let’s talk through it together.
Book your free strategy session and let’s dig in.
How will you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
November 21, 2024
About the author:
Christina Von Stroh is a leadership coach who helps her clients become wildly successful by applying iterative software development practices to achieve their dreams. Want to work with Christina to help you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
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